Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Country for sale! Buy now while stocks last!

National Monument of Pakistan in Islamabad.Image via WikipediaIn a post not too long ago I may have complained that the general price level in our fair country is getting a bit too high. In this one however, I will tell the other side of the story. After all, I'm not one to manufact propaganda and propagate the news of our country's dismal state. There are in fact many things that are quite cheap and getting even cheaper by the minute. The credit goes to, well, we'll leave that part for later. For now, lets get into all the bargains you can grab before the sale season ends.

I was always told that human life is priceless. You can't measure it. It's impossible to value it terms of anything else that God may have created. Gold, silver, diamonds and even oil. Well, that last item has some complication attached to it. Imagine that. Such a high price for this particular item that you can't even measure it. Now however, thanks to capitalism (or is it imperialism? I keep getting confused) the prices for this once expensive commodity are now greatly reduced! But you can only avail this offer in Pakistan. Just ask American tourist Raymond Davis (or is it assassin? Again, I keep getting confused) who bought two Pakistani lives for 1.4 million dollars. Thats just USD 700,000 a piece! And who knows, if you buy in bulk you'll surely get a big discount. Just Imagine, you could be the owner of your very own genocide! In fact, get creative enough and you can name it a "Pakistani" holocaust!

To top it off, America is giving us Islamiat lessons for free. How nice of them to give us that little refresher course on blood money. Wow America, I have no words to express the overflowing sentiments I feel right now. I do however have a finger that can get a minute fraction of the point across. Guess which one?

It doesn't end there. The Pakistan Tourism Development Corporation has gone to great lengths to make our beautiful country more accessible to foreigners. Why just now they started their stealth helicopter program. Thats right, If you own a stealth helicopter then you can just fly right in! No visa, no passport necessary. Hell, we'll even toss in a free Arab. If you're armed then you'll love to visit the town of Abottabad for target practice. By the way, Abottabad is not a suburb of Islamabad. It's a city itself. Way up in the mountains.

It's not just Pakistan that is making itself more accessible to foreign countries. You may all remember the Iraqi "Everyone with a false rumor gets in free" promotion. That had dramatic effects on the price of oil. Consider this, the American forces had themselves a party there, according to the Iraqi Body Count project they won the lottery, 150,726 Iraq's killed. There's no way we can compete with that. Damn you oil rich countries. Now, assuming an average of 1.9 million barrels of oil were pumped out from Iraq from 2003 to 2010 and that the average human body has 4 litres of blood the price of oil comes out 0.000124 litres of Iraqi blood per barrel! Now thats an amazing offer you just can't beat. I don't know why Americans complain about the high cost of oil, all you have to do is deposit one dead Iraqi at the nearest gas station and you walk away with 32,207 barrels of oil!

Coming back to Pakistan, people may not know this but we also have another great service. We'll stock your prisons for you! Just ask our satisfied customer, the administration of Gitmo. Before they outsourced their prisoner acquisition function to us, their prison was a desolate place. No prisoners. There were fears of takeovers, mergers and redundancies. Then, we stepped in. With competitive rates as low as a few hundred dollars for one Pakistani, we saved their prison and now it is constantly stocked, always a fresh supply of inmates ready for "enhanced interrogation". That is just one success story, contact us now to see how outsourcing to us can enhance your prison! Whats more, we'll even handle the shipping charges. Contact us at info@buyacitizen.gov.pk.

So who does all the credit go to? Well, to understand that, you've got to realize that Pakistan is a business. It's the Islamic Republic of Pakistan Limited. Once you see it that way you realize that Pakistan Ltd. is, always has been and always will be a cash cow. The owners of this company, the ruling party and the army take every possible step to ensure that it remains a profitable entity. However, no organisation can achieve its objectives without its faithful employees. It is only due to our citizens perserverance to not do anything while things go from bad to worse that we have reached the position where we are today. It is only because of us, who keep electing the same people to power over and over again. So enjoy everyone, you earned it.

Talha A. B.
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  1. Let me just say, I loved it! And NO it is not because I be your co-author.
    Its great how you displayed all horrific facts and figures with a sarcastic and homourous tangy-ness (if that's a word) throughout. I guess we're at a stage where talking straight has no meaning anymore. Thus, expression takes a new turn.

    I guess its only a matter of time we drop our manners and go barbaric on this atrocity. But what then, we choose another dragon from the sack we plunge our hand in? (Reference taken from "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire", chapter "The First Task" :D)

    I dunno, it is as if we all want to do something but we can't. A year ago I would have said something close to "baby steps" but now its as if we're all rooted to the ground. Stuck. How do we get out? Well there's the option of waiting a decade so I can reach my 30's and people can take me seriously but what be the guarantee that the thinnest fibre of a rope that we're hanging by wont finally give up till we get there?

    Come to think of there is no such thing as a guarantee anymore. There's just hoping and praying even though the path up front is dark and dangerous. I suggest we all get some armour and take the plunge. I dont know about you all but I've never been "watch as the cookie crumbles" type. I have no idea what that meant, I just made it up but you get the picture right?

    Umm, we need to FIX this? Like soon!

  2. Arigato gozaimasu, sara-chan :D

    I'm glad you found it that good. And yes, we're all at a loss at what to do. We're under assault from every side and we're at a loss how to solve the problems we're facing. Like I keep saying, we're fighting a hydra. Cutting off one head won't make a difference. Three more will grow back.

    One thing we can't afford to do is just sit around and wait for everything to sort itself out.

    @TalhaAzim @SaraQadeer @ABBASITC @alinizami @alamdar25

  3. Wow...that's
    all that I can say...wow! Sarcasm at its very best! But
    unfortunately, I would have to agree with you on this one. Pakistan
    and Pakistanis both are reaching their nadir and this abysmal state of affairs
    is showing no hope of improvement. It is as if every day it gets even worse.
    But frankly....we ourselves are to blame. Aren't we? You guys
    may hate me for this, but sadly I guess we haven't been able to unite as a
    nation. Cheering for a 'cricket team' together DOES NOT mean that we are
    united. Punjabi, Sindhi, Pukhtoon, Balouch, Siraiki, Kashmiri, Hazarywaal, etc
    are just some divisions...but in actuality we are divided even further (and I
    don't want to get into the Shia/Sunni/Wahabi divide). We can't stand each
    other. The other day I was taking my cousin school that I saw two cars bumped
    together on the road....there was a small crowd gathered round to enjoy the
    proceedings...anyway when I peeked out of the window to get in on the action, I
    saw two well dresses (looked well educated) blokes grabbing each other by their
    throats. And I went 'What the Hell!!' Patience is a virtue almost nonexistent
    in our society. If we look
    at ourselves individually...we'd be shocked at what we find. From the policeman
    on the road (accepting bribes) to the shopkeeper round the corner
    (making illegal profits), all are corrupt. And then we blame our so called
    leaders... I think
    the whole thing concerning Pakistan is a mystery/miracle. Take its mere
    existence for an example. Ever since its creation, its rulers have looted and
    plundered its resources and yet it still has more to offer. If it were some
    other country...it would not have lasted this long. There is some divine power
    out there looking after/running this country. As they
    say, every cloud has a silver lining. Things have to improve. Surely they
    cannot go any worse (or so I hope). Our current situation is like a bubbling
    cauldron and no one knows what's brewing. We can only pray that our motherland
    that has given us identity rises from the ashes and fulfils its potential (and
    by that I do not mean world domination). This is
    getting long-ish so I must stop myself here. You said that this country is up
    for sale, well let’s buy it! We, the Pakistani people should buy it so that we
    can have ownership. If we buy it, we’d be the shareholders and probably would
    behave differently. Surely you wouldn’t let clowns like Z****** (well they are
    all clowns so we shouldn’t single out one) run your company! With that
    it’s me saying adios…

  4. @i am deeply touched by such a deep and serious thoughts of our young generation.You people are the hope of this country...May ALLAH bless you all to do some thing special for Pakistan AMEEN

  5. Not to worry khala. The new generation is here to handle this mess, so you can lay your burdens down :)


  6. You're right. As a people we are too divided. And we don't do anything about it. Except find even more reasons to divide and carve up the population. With that in mind, it is a miracle that the country is still on the map.

    Maybe we should buy out our own country, but, then we face down another problem. Have you seen the state of our generation? Or of the one that will succeed it? Lots of work to do there.


  7. I guess as people we'll always have some reason to create a divide. At this rate we'll have to wait every 4 years so the world cup comes so we can throw some revolution.
    Me and my mom are always discussing the ruler/nation conundrum. She says when some nation goes wild their punishment comes in the form of an even worse ruler. Yes, I know there can be no one worse than THIS ruler. I always argue the point that see I know we're screwed up but we're not THAT bad, at least compared to the atrocious secularism going on in apparent "Islamic" countries. I agree that on any good day we'll be more than willing to eat someone alive but I feel this current state of desperation got instilled by our rulers. I mean c'mon it was never THIS bad. No one put up their kids for sale or requested Islamic scholars to release some "fatwa" that theft is allowed if you're dying of starvation.

    The thing is we already have a 'sign'. It is a miracle in itself that we're still surviving in this current state. So i say, there is something special about us after all.
    And like Hasnain said, PATIENCE. We don't have it. I dunno why, maybe we Pakistanis have huge ego problems, we just can't let someone get an upper hand. So we start with that maybe?

    And in yet another discussion with my mom we concluded that the it is undoubtedly the grownups who did this to us. They failed to give us something to live on. Or maybe that's what every previous generation did, you know, not think of what will become of those who follow. What about us, are we better or worse? This I know, this time around there is absolutely nothing to live on but hope. I know the general impression of today's youth is a throng of wild childs (yes i know its children but 'childs' looks better here) but there does come a fire with the wildness, not the type that burns but the type that warms you all over.

    So umm use it well? (also adapted from Potter, book 1 when when Harry is anonymously gifted his dad's Invisibility Cloak. It says so on the note)

  8. Is this the same song that you... you know? at the beacon thing? :D


  9. First of all, wow. Two Harry Potter references. You really like the post a lot :P

    I don't know about the revolution part. We're fighting insurgency in two provinces, the other two alway pick a fight, we've got Afghanistan to the west, India to the east. Given all this, taking a step that will further leave our country vulnerable to threats both internal and external is not a good idea.

    Secondly, I'm not sure if revolution is the answer. It's like teaching a child. You don't just make him read advanced mechanics and calculus and expect him to build rocket ships. You have to teach him 1 + 1 = 2 first. You build him up slowly till finally he gets to a point where he can stand on his own two feet. The same thing has to be done with this country. You got to work your way from the bottom up. Slow, barely noticeable, positive indoctrination.

    As for the older generation. Who knows what they had in mind. The best of intentions can yield the most horrible consequences. And I don't think we should speak of our generation as a bunch of saints. You forget that the next batch of corrupt individuals will also be from our own generation. As for the wild childs, I kind of find them self absorbed. They're too into themselves and their daddy's influence, where applicable.

    As for patience. It's a virtue. One which we don't possess. That is something we'll need to work on. We'll make it part of the syllabus in the indoctrination :)

  10. wow...

    talha.... what can i say???

    detailed comment later but wanted to share a poem with you guys... and yup we are the future leaders... and we are gona fix all this mess INSHALLAH...

    Hussnain: I loved it when u said so lets buy this country... yup we are goning to and we will and we ll own it.... and i mean it...

    Sara Q Talha and Sara: We really have to come up with some plan to slowly start putting an end to all this. The journey of a thousand miles after all begins with a single step :)

    Oh leaders of tomorrow!i have dreamt a dream that never diesI have seen the future through your eyesSo don’t let my dreams be shatteredDon’t let my hopes be scatteredI have dreamt of a better placeSo help me to embraceAll my dreamsO leaders of tomorrow!Discoverers of new landsOur salvation lies in your handsSo wake up and lead the human raceTo leave behind a lasting traceIn the sands of time!Let my dreams be mine!And let the future shineO leaders of tomorrow!I have dreamt a dream that never dies.

  11. I also loved this one...
    and hope we ll be the ones caarrying candles and lighting the candles of others....

    A dark & dreary night The murky gloom has a sorrow divineA helpless child beneath yew trees criesHis candle was brown out & the wind still flies.‘Had there been light, I wouldn’t have feared nor cried’.A light from the east approaches, a figure all in whiteIn his hand a candle bright,Says ‘Let me lit yours for some one once lit mine.

  12. thts really awsome n wowwwww em so gald that our new generation thinks that way who r holdng future ov pakistan and we really own this country thats our pakistan

  13. yup it is... It makes me glad to see that as well that we, as the future leaders are seeing things this way... and i really hope that very soon we ll all be joining hands together to make this country a better place coz thats our home and no1 wants to see their home full of mess....

  14. Well, looking forward to the more detailed comment. Once we're done with exams we'll get together hash something out. That is, once busy season is over. The poem is quite fitting. If the only thing left is hope, then its probably hope from the next generation. Lets see how we face up to the task. Also, you'll note that there are signs in the post that I have been studying :P

  15. yup... will write the detailed comment after exams. hope u understand ;)
    and yup there are alot of signs in the post that u have been studying:)
    and sure m really looking forwarding to planning on sth after the exams. and don't worry the generations to come will for sure take care of this country... INSHALLAH... we ll plan on how can we instill this hope and this very patriotism in them as well... a few days to go only and hope things turn out to be good in exams....

  16. I'm glad you liked the post, and thank you for commenting :)

    It's really just about all of us working together. The solution is as simple as it is complicated. The first step is overcoming our divisions. I'm a firm believer that a little unity and solidarity can take us all a long way.