Disposable income, where art thou?

As I stepped out today, the air seemed different. It wasn't the same biting cold that it had been for the past wintery months. It was laced with a healthy yellow glow from the shining sun. The sky was just the right shade of light blue. The weather had changed. That was enough to remind me of all the things that have been changing recently. Life is at a peculiar stage right now, like a desert engulfed in a sandstorm everything is shifting and changing and what lies ahead is not so clear. I'll tell you one other thing thats changing. The damn prices.

Inflation is biting away at everyones heels right now and if our wallets were girls then they would be ecstatic because they are slimming down fast. I can't count the number of times me and my friends have walked into a nice looking establishment, sat down, looked at the prices and then had a brainstorming session on how to walk out without making our financial situation apparent to anyone. Usually it involves "I dunno, nothing on the menu strikes me as interesting, we'll be back in five minutes". Oh yeah, we've done that. Don't you dare judge me..... and stop giving me that look. A lesson to the uninitiated, walk in, ask for the menu, do not under any circumstance sit down, if the prices seem manageable given the funds at hand park your behind on the nearest table, else use the "5 minute" line mentioned above, remember to thank TAB later.

So while me and a friend (henceforth, Adeel) were discussing the trials and tribulations of the life of a trainee at work it was inevitable that the topic of our pay package (don't ask) and the prices today would come up. An idea hit us, both of us having studied economics vaguely remembered that time when we were half awake in class and managed to hear the teacher say "blah blah blah consumer price index blah blah blah inflation". For those who might not know about what the consumer price index (CPI) is, I'll try to wrap it up in a single line. A CPI is a list on which the prices of various items are listed and tracked over time to get an idea of the prevailing rate of inflation in the country. If you're the Sherlock Holmes type and thats not enough for you then you can always do this or this. Back on point; me and Adeel remembered consumer price index and decided to make our own little index, the Student Price Index.

And now the curious wonder what the Student Price Index is? Well, the Student Price Index (henceforth, the SPI) is a list on which items vital to the student/trainee are listed and their prices are tracked over time to get an idea of the prevailing rate of inflation the student/trainee must endure in his academic life. Driven to help students everywhere, we set out to create the SPI that as of yet existed only in our heads. After hours of interviews, calculations and research, the SPI was turned into reality. The fruits of our labour are shown below.

So there you go. Now you know what you're up against. Time to go to parliament and start a discussion on what to do about this grave issue. To explain a bit on whats going on above, the items selected are those that the student finds themselves dealing out cash for the most. The year 2010 is selected as the base year because well, no one remembered how much a roll paratha cost back in 2000 (Rs. 45, FYI). The prices of the same items in the year 2011 are listed as well and the change over one year is calculated to arrive at the figure for inflation. But it doesn't stop there. The items are also given a weightage according to how important they are. To explain the concept of weightage, items that are considered closer to being necessities get a high weightage. Luxury items get a low weightage. Why is this done? Well, a 50% increase in the price of a Bentley may not have everyone reconsidering sending their child to college but a 50% increase in the price of wheat is a surefire way to start a revolution in the country. The result of this economics lesson is that the inflation rate comes out to 27%. Fun fact, that actually is the inflation rate of our country at the moment (so you know we did a good job :D). However, after weighting, for us students the inflation rate is somewhat closer to 20%.

The SPI is something that just started out as a joke and the list is in no way complete. But it was a fun exercise and I'm actually interested making it into a proper index so I would love feedback on the matter. For one, having a full and proper list of items that students and trainees spend their money on is important. Second, this is actually the work of two guys, so the list doesn't take into account items that the girls would normally spend on. You can leave a comment or make a post on the forum (highly recommended).

The updated version of the SPI can always be found here. For now, tis time to wrap up this post and return to dreaming of that big paycheck that I'll hopefully be collecting someday.

Talha A. B.

Plus or minus?

There is a wedding going on. Everyone’s pretty overdressed and wearing way too much jewelry. Then again, this is not a normal wedding. The bride finally agreed to move on and marry someone. You know, to get past the loss of her husband who drove over a cliff and his body was never found. His belongings and identification documents were totally intact though. Bad luck I guess. Just as the final act of the ceremony is being carried out a gentleman appears declaring himself as the lost husband. That can’t be, cries the bride. It is so, says the intruder and he quickly tells how he was rescued by some local villagers and as his face was totally distorted and there was no photograph available the plastic surgeon gave him the face of his own dead son. Silence! The cameraman goes wild. For some odd reason he not only captures the expressions of the main characters but anyone he can find; including all the badly dressed guests and the waiter holding the tray. I guess the next move would be to actually prove through an exhaustive question and answer session that he is in fact the same guy. Why he was out of the picture for so long is of course another story.

Sounds familiar right? This is a scene typical of all those Indian soaps on Star plus/One, Sony, Zee etc. Basically they’re predictable. Anyone can just think along the strangest lines and concoct a complete script. Here’s a list of some other clichés we discover even before they are declared:

• The guy and the girl who are totally in love with each other will never get married. At least not in the beginning.
• The person who seems the sweetest will always be the villain.
• Two people who totally hate each other in the beginning will ultimately wind up together.
• There will always be a handy plastic surgeon nearby.
• If someone is in an accident the only think that will be distorted will be their face. Thus the handy plastic surgeon.
• People have selective amnesia like they have the flu.
• You can buy the whole population in order to carry out an evil plan.
• People talk to themselves aloud; very very loud thereby revealing their plan, good or bad.
• There will always be a handy eavesdropper somewhere. His job made easier as the doors will always be carelessly open, ALL the time.
• The script writers have no biological sense. For e.g. If a girl is unable to enslave a certain gentleman she will simply ‘pretend’ she’s pregnant and get away with it.
• If something big has to be revealed, an unraveling of a previously discovered evil plot, it will all be done in the middle of some poor bloke’s wedding/engagement/reception. And then all the guests shake their heads and leave.
• There is always an undiscovered illegitimate child out there.
• Sometimes a guy/girl will consent to a marriage only to take some sort of revenge.
• If a person is wrongfully blaming another, the other will never put up any defense. I actually pull my hair out when that happens.
• People can waste their entire lives only to wait for someone to grow up so they can take revenge. What a waste!
• The transition from good to evil and vice versa is as easy as a change of clothes.
• There is no need to mourn a dead person. He’ll turn up sooner or later.

Everyday when I come down to dinner I’m greeted with the ‘dhum dhum tana nana dhum dhum’ soundtrack. I was never allowed to talk in between serials but now it is an even bigger crime. I repeatedly tell my mom that I only comment when the soundtrack and flashes come on. Also, when something big is revealed with an even bigger reaction and an additional soundtrack (dhak dhak dhina dhina dhaaa) you can actually listen to a full song on some other channel. Unfortunately, my strategic interruption is not appreciated. And thanks to the looming exam threat I seem to have lost my previous jurisdiction of holding the remote and commanding it. Of course I can avoid all that by just walking off but family TV time is something none of us wants to lose.

So yes I have to endure like many others. The funny thing is that we do end up watching them. I mean we curse, overuse the words ‘lame’ and ‘stupid’ over and over again but we end up watching; amidst the remote snatching and begging to change the channel. Is it because they are so totally impractical that our minds just go numb and simply get entertained without reason or logic. Having said that, sometimes there does come a serial that focuses on normalcy too. I remember watching one about four women and their individual lives. It had topics such as wife beatings, vulnerability of teenage girls and a mother fighting cancer. It was a job well done I must say. Anyway, that apart the question is what is so alluring about these dramas that our mothers, grandmothers and aunts totally weave their routines around them?

The first is easy; time span. You can sit for hours watching back to backs but technically its just 30 minutes each right? Second is the culture difference. Technically what they show is neither our religion nor culture so whatever moral or immoral goes on we don’t give a damn. Thirdly, even with all the riff raff I’ve talked about upstairs they are made to seem interesting. I mean even if something totally non practical as marriage for revenge happens the audience will be excited at such a concept; especially when they know that the girl/boy will fall for the other ultimately. And lastly, there is so much devastation around us that it actually helps to look at foreign faces. Add in the fact that the quality of Pakistani dramas went so downhill in the ‘middle’ ages that people reverted to Indian ones and well got too comfortable to revert back!

I really miss those times, the PTV prime time. A decent serial everyday from 7:45 to 8:45 pm. This is coming from the generation that experienced “Alpha, bravo, Charlie”, “Kashkol”, “Bandhan”, “Laag” and many others that I can’t recall. The comedy too was awesome. Imagine the “UFONE” team in a 45 minutes play and you’ll get the picture. If you go back even further you get names like “Aangan terha” and “Ankahi”. The emphasis at that time was on the writing and acting. It was never supposed to be fancy or anything. Dramas were about normal, everyday people going through ordinary and extraordinary experiences. You could relate to the characters, connect with their grief or joy. They were all of a decent length; maximum 13 episodes. Sometimes, they showed these single episode short plays based on some social issue. Nothing! And I mean NOTHING can compare to those times. Not all these three channels combined together.

Then came the dark ages. The funding probably halted. There was a national writer’s block probably. Only a few programs were worth watching. It was all downhill after that; especially when came the stampede of private channels. Writers and directors wanted new horizons where they could open up their wings more, think a bit provocative maybe. I’m not at all against the depiction of the taboos of society because frankly they’re a part of it. What totally pissed me off was the wrong depiction of our culture. Cultural shock it was. Scanty clothing, vulgar behaviour on national television and above all the embarrassment that all of this was transmitted abroad too. I mean just because they were private channels didn’t give them the right to go all out on everything. It was almost desperate. The comedy went to such a depth that I don’t think it can ever recover. If you suffer from bulimia you can actually try it out; it would make throwing up easier.

So it was then that the cable guys decided to bring in fresh meat. Lo and behold, Star Plus made an entry. This change was welcomed with open arms because to be frank Indian movies might be all stripped; the dramas are a total opposite. Yes, there are exceptions but they are prominently looked at as something rotten and unclean. The moral of the story is that no one forgets their roots; they might be going wayward due to the versatile nature of the film industry but here on television it’s all prim, proper, sacrificial and traditional.

However, I see an improvement now. Saw this drama on a private channel and found it very refreshing. It was realistic and you could actually relate to it. The strange fact is that it was a sad one but the sadness or the screw ups of the characters didn’t seem frustrating at all. The gist of Indian dramas is that they are wholly and solely based on misunderstandings. If you look at it this way these dramas are actually shows of pessimism. They stretch endlessly thereby justifying the fact that there can never be an end to problems or human devastation; it is like you get rid of one problem and another one just comes up. It all runs on evil I tell you.

Unsurprisingly I can go on and on but I promised myself I’d stay close to the point. No need to feel sarcastic, this IS to the point; just an elongated one. To conclude I would like to announce that PTV is sort of back again. Let us not ignore it anymore. If our channels are recovering we should at least give them a chance. Let’s just give the Indian background banshee singer a little break and dive into local waters. And that would also go for the aunty next door who’s watching a repeat telecast at two in the morning. It appears that the “dhoom tana nana” beat is my lullaby for tonight.

I will return soon my loyal readers. Till then, this sleep deprived person bids you goodnight! We shall meet again. Up up and away!!!! (Yeah I should definitely get some sleep now).

Until next time, this is Sara Q DOZING off! :)

Re: Sound advice..?

It's been a while since I made my last post, which was actually quite short and cryptic. The song was nice though wasn't it?

Anyway, I've been neglecting my duties as co-author for quite some time due to the numerous bullets I've been dodging as of late. Finally though I have some time to make a post and I thought I'd start easy and riff off Sara Q's post. Hey, at least I'm not getting "inspired" the way Pakistani and Indian filmmakers do. Due to the amount of bullet dodging I've been doing lately I'm not in the same state of mind that I usually am, so don't expect my post to have that signature flair. But hey, I'm awesome so it doesn't matter.

Reading through the "useful advice" that Sara Q. collected from various sources (Honestly, what do you read?) I could not believe what the so called experts told their dear readers. I can't say I was surprised though, after all, I learned a long time ago that we humans are born with the talent of stretching the limit of stupidity.

So here we go. This is my attempt to answer the questions of these perplexed individuals, along with a few words to the "experts".

Dear Aunty: My husband is my problem. He’s glued to the TV 24/7. It’s like the silly, rusty, old, big bellied telly is more attractive than I am. He doesn’t listen; he doesn't care what I say. He only gets up for bathroom breaks. It’s driving me crazy. Please help!

Aunty: Darling, I know exactly where that’s coming from. Its sad how something as small as a bathroom can create a tiff b/w two individuals so much in love. My heart swells at your concern for your husband’s entertainment. Maybe you can surprise him with a nice flat screen plasma. What’s money without love right. It’s no wonder he needs to go to the bathroom all the time. That TV is a bore. With a new hot one you can have the bathroom for hours because that guy won’t budge and he’ll adore you for the present! Talk about 2-in-1 right?

To the troubled wife:

You're the wife damn it. Throw a tantrum or something. He's supposed to give you attention so you're well within your rights. Ask your friends what to do about this situation and see what they have to say. I thought you ladies love to moan and complain about your not-so-better half? Just have a fight like normal couples do and KICK HIS A**. One night of sleeping on the couch will set the man straight. Just make sure you snatch the TV remote first.

To the "Aunty":

I'm sure your teachers must have said this to you a lot but I'll refresh your memory anyway, READ THE DAMN QUESTION YOU IDIOT.

Dear Aunty: I have a cousin who visits often, usually bringing her kids in tow. They are the most rowdy bunch ever. They run around the house like wild animals with my precious cookie jar. It’s not about the cookies; it’s how they and the rest of the goodies end up in the weirdest places, half digested or thrown up! I usually go along because I don’t want to upset my cousin who’s really touchy about her spoilt brats. But now I’m having second thoughts. Please tell me how to get the message through without hurting her feelings.

Aunty: Listen up girl! Those kids are going down! Let me also add that food is important even if you don’t think so. Too many people tag along their kids so they don’t have to feed them afterwards. Listen carefully; whenever that family gatecrashes take 2 sleeping pills per kid and grind and mix them in their juice. They’ll drop like logs and don’t worry it’s not dangerous. (Try xanax; it’s the best). Or you can do another thing; press down on the side of the necks, right where the jugular vein passes. It’s an old police trick; they’ll be knocked out for 30 minutes. Pronto! One child free zone.

To the perplexed cousin:

It's like this. Your house, your rules. You can get the message across to your cousin in one of two ways. The first method requires that you both sit down with a cup of tea in hand and then you proceed to tell your cousin that her kids are just a tiny bit troublesome and you would be ever so grateful if they didn't leave a food trail like Hansel and Gretel all over the house because then you would have to become an evil witch.

The second way requires that the next time your cousin comes over with kids in tow, send the maid away and hand your cousin a dustpan and a broom. Then, tell her to get to work. Hopefully, the back pain that she will suffer afterwards will serve as a reminder to keep the brats in check.

To the possible former junkie/Mel Gibson wannabe:

Oh.... My.... GOD. What the hell is wrong you? You should not be allowed to have kids. Sleeping pills? Honestly? Oh, and in case you do have kids I suggest that you deposit them at the nearest circus so that they have a chance to have a normal life.

Dear Aunty: I’m new in town and called over a few classmates to my place to hangout and socialize. While I was away getting some snacks, my PC was running and everyone was messing around with it. Somehow they activated videoconferencing and ended up recording everything they were doing. The vision and sound wasn’t good quality but enough to let me know that it was all badmouthing and rude gestures about to me. I felt really bad. Should I confront them or simply ignore the whole thing?

Aunty: My tech consultants advise that you should get a decent webcam, maybe up to 5 mega pixels if not more. If not, check whether your resolution is on ‘high definition’. Also, your microphone might be losing it. Maybe it needs replacement or cleaning. You do both and next time you’ll get a crystal clear image and sound. I know how you feel hon; you teenage boys want the best in technology all the time. Call ‘em all another time and see the results for yourself. Good luck!

To the kid:

Confront them. Do you really think you can just ignore this and still be friends? You won't have any respect form them and they clearly don't have much respect for you. So again, confront them. If they are your friends, they will understand that feelings were hurt and apologies should follow. If they don't understand your feelings, then they're not friends, they're parasites. Dump them and find a new crowd to hang with.

To the computer whiz:

My tech consultants advise me that you're an idiot. Tell me, what are the requirements to become an advice columnist? Is extraordinary stupidity included in the job specification? Wait a sec, you're not the same moron that gave advice to the wife competing with the TV are you?

Dear Aunty: My husband and I are an average looking couple, living in a very modest way. We’re quite content with life. However, this new neighbour moved in and she came to pay a visit. I noticed how instantly she and my husband clicked. I mean she’s all young, chic and drives some sports car while my hubby is a bum with a 1988 Honda. What’s the connection? My husband has been comparing me with her all weekend. I feel very insecure. Please help me prevent a disaster!

Aunty: Girl, it’s time you put an end to those modest ways because seriously where are they taking you. Break the piggy bank and buy your hubby some decent stuff. You’re obviously not good enough for him so why try. Become the ultimate date planner. Rent a nice car; they have an hourly rate so won’t cost much. Lets prevent the disaster; the disaster that would take place if you don’t hurry. I mean things go bad he still has you right but doesn’t hurt to try! Cheers!

To the insecure wife:

Find the girl a young, chic boy with a Ferrari. End of story. Though I must admit, Sara Q. is better suited to answer this query.

To the car salesman:

Damn it, your job is just to read a letter and respond. How can you screw that up? I hate repeating myself, READ THE DAMN QUESTION YOU IDIOT. The lady has a big problem. Her husband is comparing her to a younger model (pun, couldn't resist) and it's biting into her confidence. Help your fellow female out.

Dear Aunty: My farewell party is this weekend which I’m really excited about. My mom got me these clothes; they’re wonderful; all pink and yellow. Anyway sadly I failed on a test and am supposed to get it signed by my parents before the weekend. There is no way my folks would let me go after seeing that test. Tell me how to negotiate, please!!

Aunty: First of all; dump that dress. That combo is so last year. I saw your address; your place is close to this new boutique. Check that out instead. OK, about the signature: listen carefully. Get hold of your parents’ bank statement and trace that signature on a tracing paper. Next, put the tracing paper on your test paper and trace it down. A mould will appear. Shade that area with a pencil. The groove will become prominent so carefully trace that area with a pen. Wait for it to dry and then run an eraser over the whole thing to erase the pencil shading. Voila! One faked sign and one hot dress!! What will you kids do without me!

To the honor student:

The word here is "negotiation". Despite what you may think, parents are an understanding bunch. Get the test signed and put on those puppy dog eyes. Lay out your terms, which are to get to the farewell and know that some sacrifices will have to be made such as but not limited to being grounded after the farewell, lower allowance and possibly tuitions.

To the con-artist:

What will they do without you, you ask? Well here's a thought, they'll grow up to be honest responsible human beings. You know, the opposite of you.

Dear Aunty: I’m currently engaged to a very rich guy my parents chose for me. He’s not bad but he doesn’t really care for my choices or opinions at all. Recently I started chatting on msn messenger with this guy I don’t know. He is so down to earth, honest and understanding. He even told me he couldn’t come online everyday as he couldn’t really afford it. I’ve still not seen his picture but maybe I don’t need to. I’m caught up in the middle and don’t know what to do; I think I’m falling for him. Help me!

Aunty: Girl you are totally insane. You are putting a future of money and a lavish lifestyle on the line for whom? Some guy who can’t use a computer two days in a row. To top it all you haven’t even seen him. For all you know he might look like Danny Devito. Eventually both of you will starve. THEN I’ll ask you how much you want to go down the ‘earth’ for him. He has probably got the oldest version of msn. Urgh! Who needs love when you got money money money!! Silly goose.

To the girl:

Right. People like you really tick me off. To be more accurate, girls like you. You're in love with the idea of love. I guess its not your fault given all the junk bollywood and star plus are infecting you with. Listen up, chances are you are stereotyping. If the guy is rich he's probably a villain looking for a trophy wife right? He's probably spends all day in some dark office planning world conquest petting his white kitty. Wrong. Consider this. Maybe he's just shy. Rich people can be insecure too you know. Have you really talked to him? I mean like REALLY talked to him? Do you care for his opinions? Have a nice long chat, share your concerns. I'm sure he doesn't want to spend his life with a girl who doesn't want him. Breaking the engagement is not as bad as breaking a marriage. Oh, and conversely, who says the poor guy will be innocent and loyal as a puppy? Maybe he's a con artist after your money? Marriage is a big decision. Couples have big fights over the smallest of issues and money is no small issue. Lastly, THE INTERNET? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THE INTERNET?

To the matchmaker:

Please get a different job. Please. Please. PLEASE.

Dear Aunty: My brother is suffering from a dangerous form of obsession. He supports Arsenal and has never missed a match no matter what the time, place or event. He didn’t even attend our parents’ 25th anniversary dinner because he had to watch football. He takes it too seriously and so becomes edgy if his team loses. Should we be worried? Should we see some expert?

Aunty: Do me a favour and give him a good kick up his rear. Why the hell is he going through so much effort for a team that hardly made the top 10 last year. Show him some statistics. He needs to change loyalties. Tell him to try Chelsea or Man City instead (if he’s only interested in the Euro champion that is). Oh and try to be a little understanding from now on.

To the troubled sibling:

I think you need to have one of those intervention things. I've never actually had to hold one of those or be subjected to one of them so I have no idea. But hey, it's the age of google. Look it up. Also, maybe use another obsession to ween him off of this one. And you should see an expert about this. This obsession is quite unhealthy. Sports are supposed to be a healthy activity. The way he's behaving is clearly not healthy.

To the football junkie:

I think you'd be better off writing for the sports section. This is clearly not your game (pun again! Woohoo!).

Till the next post,
Talha A. B.

Sound advice..?

Let’s take a break from seriousness today and lighten up things a bit.

Most of you must be familiar with the advice columns in the entertainment section of almost all newspapers. These advisors, mostly female hide behind pseudonyms and offer apparently unsolicited and loyal advice. Most of it seems reasonable; probably something we would say so ourselves. But what if these ‘aunties’ go haywire; misuse their power of trust and misinterpret what their ‘problem children’ are actually trying to say. Here’s a peek into how they can screw up those who are already screwed up:

Dear Aunty: My husband is my problem. He’s glued to the TV 24/7. It’s like the silly, rusty, old, big bellied telly is more attractive than I am. He doesn’t listen; he doesn't care what I say. He only gets up for bathroom breaks. It’s driving me crazy. Please help!

Aunty: Darling, I know exactly where that’s coming from. Its sad how something as small as a bathroom can create a tiff b/w two individuals so much in love. My heart swells at your concern for your husband’s entertainment. Maybe you can surprise him with a nice flat screen plasma. What’s money without love right. It’s no wonder he needs to go to the bathroom all the time. That TV is a bore. With a new hot one you can have the bathroom for hours because that guy won’t budge and he’ll adore you for the present! Talk about 2-in-1 right?

Dear Aunty: I have a cousin who visits often, usually bringing her kids in tow. They are the most rowdy bunch ever. They run around the house like wild animals with my precious cookie jar. It’s not about the cookies; it’s how they and the rest of the goodies end up in the weirdest places, half digested or thrown up! I usually go along because I don’t want to upset my cousin who’s really touchy about her spoilt brats. But now I’m having second thoughts. Please tell me how to get the message through without hurting her feelings.

Aunty: Listen up girl! Those kids are going down! Let me also add that food is important even if you don’t think so. Too many people tag along their kids so they don’t have to feed them afterwards. Listen carefully; whenever that family gatecrashes take 2 sleeping pills per kid and grind and mix them in their juice. They’ll drop like logs and don’t worry it’s not dangerous. (Try xanax; it’s the best). Or you can do another thing; press down on the side of the necks, right where the jugular vein passes. It’s an old police trick; they’ll be knocked out for 30 minutes. Pronto! One child free zone.

Dear Aunty: I’m new in town and called over a few classmates to my place to hangout and socialize. While I was away getting some snacks, my PC was running and everyone was messing around with it. Somehow they activated videoconferencing and ended up recording everything they were doing. The vision and sound wasn’t good quality but enough to let me know that it was all badmouthing and rude gestures about to me. I felt really bad. Should I confront them or simply ignore the whole thing?

Aunty: My tech consultants advise that you should get a decent webcam, maybe up to 5 mega pixels if not more. If not, check whether your resolution is on ‘high definition’. Also, your microphone might be losing it. Maybe it needs replacement or cleaning. You do both and next time you’ll get a crystal clear image and sound. I know how you feel hon; you teenage boys want the best in technology all the time. Call ‘em all another time and see the results for yourself. Good luck!

Dear Aunty: My husband and I are an average looking couple, living in a very modest way. We’re quite content with life. However, this new neighbour moved in and she came to pay a visit. I noticed how instantly she and my husband clicked. I mean she’s all young, chic and drives some sports car while my hubby is a bum with a 1988 Honda. What’s the connection? My husband has been comparing me with her all weekend. I feel very insecure. Please help me prevent a disaster!

Aunty: Girl, it’s time you put an end to those modest ways because seriously where are they taking you. Break the piggy bank and buy your hubby some decent stuff. You’re obviously not good enough for him so why try. Become the ultimate date planner. Rent a nice car; they have an hourly rate so won’t cost much. Lets prevent the disaster; the disaster that would take place if you don’t hurry. I mean things go bad he still has you right but doesn’t hurt to try! Cheers!

Dear Aunty: My farewell party is this weekend which I’m really excited about. My mom got me these clothes; they’re wonderful; all pink and yellow. Anyway sadly I failed on a test and am supposed to get it signed by my parents before the weekend. There is no way my folks would let me go after seeing that test. Tell me how to negotiate, please!!

Aunty: First of all; dump that dress. That combo is so last year. I saw your address; your place is close to this new boutique. Check that out instead. OK, about the signature: listen carefully. Get hold of your parents’ bank statement and trace that signature on a tracing paper. Next, put the tracing paper on your test paper and trace it down. A mould will appear. Shade that area with a pencil. The groove will become prominent so carefully trace that area with a pen. Wait for it to dry and then run an eraser over the whole thing to erase the pencil shading. Voila! One faked sign and one hot dress!! What will you kids do without me!

Dear Aunty: I’m currently engaged to a very rich guy my parents chose for me. He’s not bad but he doesn’t really care for my choices or opinions at all. Recently I started chatting on msn messenger with this guy I don’t know. He is so down to earth, honest and understanding. He even told me he couldn’t come online everyday as he couldn’t really afford it. I’ve still not seen his picture but maybe I don’t need to. I’m caught up in the middle and don’t know what to do; I think I’m falling for him. Help me!

Aunty: Girl you are totally insane. You are putting a future of money and a lavish lifestyle on the line for whom? Some guy who can’t use a computer two days in a row. To top it all you haven’t even seen him. For all you know he might look like Danny Devito. Eventually both of you will starve. THEN I’ll ask you how much you want to go down the ‘earth’ for him. He has probably got the oldest version of msn. Urgh! Who needs love when you got money money money!! Silly goose.

Dear Aunty: My brother is suffering from a dangerous form of obsession. He supports Arsenal and has never missed a match no matter what the time, place or event. He didn’t even attend our parents’ 25^th anniversary dinner because he had to watch football. He takes it too seriously and so becomes edgy if his team loses. Should we be worried? Should we see some expert?

Aunty: Do me a favour and give him a good kick up his rear. Why the hell is he going through so much effort for a team that hardly made the top 10 last year. Show him some statistics. He needs to change loyalties. Tell him to try Chelseaor Man City instead (if he’s only interested in the Euro champion that is). Oh and try to be a little understanding from now on.

Uh, need I say more?

P.S: I think it's necessary to add that although I wrote this, this is not the type of advice I give. I give good advice. Like really good. I'm famous for that. Do NOT underestimate Sara Q's advisory service. Period! :P