Monday, February 15, 2010

Re: Sound advice..?

It's been a while since I made my last post, which was actually quite short and cryptic. The song was nice though wasn't it?

Anyway, I've been neglecting my duties as co-author for quite some time due to the numerous bullets I've been dodging as of late. Finally though I have some time to make a post and I thought I'd start easy and riff off Sara Q's post. Hey, at least I'm not getting "inspired" the way Pakistani and Indian filmmakers do. Due to the amount of bullet dodging I've been doing lately I'm not in the same state of mind that I usually am, so don't expect my post to have that signature flair. But hey, I'm awesome so it doesn't matter.

Reading through the "useful advice" that Sara Q. collected from various sources (Honestly, what do you read?) I could not believe what the so called experts told their dear readers. I can't say I was surprised though, after all, I learned a long time ago that we humans are born with the talent of stretching the limit of stupidity.

So here we go. This is my attempt to answer the questions of these perplexed individuals, along with a few words to the "experts".

Dear Aunty: My husband is my problem. He’s glued to the TV 24/7. It’s like the silly, rusty, old, big bellied telly is more attractive than I am. He doesn’t listen; he doesn't care what I say. He only gets up for bathroom breaks. It’s driving me crazy. Please help!

Aunty: Darling, I know exactly where that’s coming from. Its sad how something as small as a bathroom can create a tiff b/w two individuals so much in love. My heart swells at your concern for your husband’s entertainment. Maybe you can surprise him with a nice flat screen plasma. What’s money without love right. It’s no wonder he needs to go to the bathroom all the time. That TV is a bore. With a new hot one you can have the bathroom for hours because that guy won’t budge and he’ll adore you for the present! Talk about 2-in-1 right?

To the troubled wife:

You're the wife damn it. Throw a tantrum or something. He's supposed to give you attention so you're well within your rights. Ask your friends what to do about this situation and see what they have to say. I thought you ladies love to moan and complain about your not-so-better half? Just have a fight like normal couples do and KICK HIS A**. One night of sleeping on the couch will set the man straight. Just make sure you snatch the TV remote first.


To the "Aunty":

I'm sure your teachers must have said this to you a lot but I'll refresh your memory anyway, READ THE DAMN QUESTION YOU IDIOT.


Dear Aunty: I have a cousin who visits often, usually bringing her kids in tow. They are the most rowdy bunch ever. They run around the house like wild animals with my precious cookie jar. It’s not about the cookies; it’s how they and the rest of the goodies end up in the weirdest places, half digested or thrown up! I usually go along because I don’t want to upset my cousin who’s really touchy about her spoilt brats. But now I’m having second thoughts. Please tell me how to get the message through without hurting her feelings.

Aunty: Listen up girl! Those kids are going down! Let me also add that food is important even if you don’t think so. Too many people tag along their kids so they don’t have to feed them afterwards. Listen carefully; whenever that family gatecrashes take 2 sleeping pills per kid and grind and mix them in their juice. They’ll drop like logs and don’t worry it’s not dangerous. (Try xanax; it’s the best). Or you can do another thing; press down on the side of the necks, right where the jugular vein passes. It’s an old police trick; they’ll be knocked out for 30 minutes. Pronto! One child free zone.

To the perplexed cousin:

It's like this. Your house, your rules. You can get the message across to your cousin in one of two ways. The first method requires that you both sit down with a cup of tea in hand and then you proceed to tell your cousin that her kids are just a tiny bit troublesome and you would be ever so grateful if they didn't leave a food trail like Hansel and Gretel all over the house because then you would have to become an evil witch.

The second way requires that the next time your cousin comes over with kids in tow, send the maid away and hand your cousin a dustpan and a broom. Then, tell her to get to work. Hopefully, the back pain that she will suffer afterwards will serve as a reminder to keep the brats in check.


To the possible former junkie/Mel Gibson wannabe:

Oh.... My.... GOD. What the hell is wrong you? You should not be allowed to have kids. Sleeping pills? Honestly? Oh, and in case you do have kids I suggest that you deposit them at the nearest circus so that they have a chance to have a normal life.


Dear Aunty: I’m new in town and called over a few classmates to my place to hangout and socialize. While I was away getting some snacks, my PC was running and everyone was messing around with it. Somehow they activated videoconferencing and ended up recording everything they were doing. The vision and sound wasn’t good quality but enough to let me know that it was all badmouthing and rude gestures about to me. I felt really bad. Should I confront them or simply ignore the whole thing?

Aunty: My tech consultants advise that you should get a decent webcam, maybe up to 5 mega pixels if not more. If not, check whether your resolution is on ‘high definition’. Also, your microphone might be losing it. Maybe it needs replacement or cleaning. You do both and next time you’ll get a crystal clear image and sound. I know how you feel hon; you teenage boys want the best in technology all the time. Call ‘em all another time and see the results for yourself. Good luck!

To the kid:

Confront them. Do you really think you can just ignore this and still be friends? You won't have any respect form them and they clearly don't have much respect for you. So again, confront them. If they are your friends, they will understand that feelings were hurt and apologies should follow. If they don't understand your feelings, then they're not friends, they're parasites. Dump them and find a new crowd to hang with.


To the computer whiz:

My tech consultants advise me that you're an idiot. Tell me, what are the requirements to become an advice columnist? Is extraordinary stupidity included in the job specification? Wait a sec, you're not the same moron that gave advice to the wife competing with the TV are you?


Dear Aunty: My husband and I are an average looking couple, living in a very modest way. We’re quite content with life. However, this new neighbour moved in and she came to pay a visit. I noticed how instantly she and my husband clicked. I mean she’s all young, chic and drives some sports car while my hubby is a bum with a 1988 Honda. What’s the connection? My husband has been comparing me with her all weekend. I feel very insecure. Please help me prevent a disaster!

Aunty: Girl, it’s time you put an end to those modest ways because seriously where are they taking you. Break the piggy bank and buy your hubby some decent stuff. You’re obviously not good enough for him so why try. Become the ultimate date planner. Rent a nice car; they have an hourly rate so won’t cost much. Lets prevent the disaster; the disaster that would take place if you don’t hurry. I mean things go bad he still has you right but doesn’t hurt to try! Cheers!

To the insecure wife:

Find the girl a young, chic boy with a Ferrari. End of story. Though I must admit, Sara Q. is better suited to answer this query.


To the car salesman:

Damn it, your job is just to read a letter and respond. How can you screw that up? I hate repeating myself, READ THE DAMN QUESTION YOU IDIOT. The lady has a big problem. Her husband is comparing her to a younger model (pun, couldn't resist) and it's biting into her confidence. Help your fellow female out.


Dear Aunty: My farewell party is this weekend which I’m really excited about. My mom got me these clothes; they’re wonderful; all pink and yellow. Anyway sadly I failed on a test and am supposed to get it signed by my parents before the weekend. There is no way my folks would let me go after seeing that test. Tell me how to negotiate, please!!

Aunty: First of all; dump that dress. That combo is so last year. I saw your address; your place is close to this new boutique. Check that out instead. OK, about the signature: listen carefully. Get hold of your parents’ bank statement and trace that signature on a tracing paper. Next, put the tracing paper on your test paper and trace it down. A mould will appear. Shade that area with a pencil. The groove will become prominent so carefully trace that area with a pen. Wait for it to dry and then run an eraser over the whole thing to erase the pencil shading. Voila! One faked sign and one hot dress!! What will you kids do without me!

To the honor student:

The word here is "negotiation". Despite what you may think, parents are an understanding bunch. Get the test signed and put on those puppy dog eyes. Lay out your terms, which are to get to the farewell and know that some sacrifices will have to be made such as but not limited to being grounded after the farewell, lower allowance and possibly tuitions.


To the con-artist:

What will they do without you, you ask? Well here's a thought, they'll grow up to be honest responsible human beings. You know, the opposite of you.


Dear Aunty: I’m currently engaged to a very rich guy my parents chose for me. He’s not bad but he doesn’t really care for my choices or opinions at all. Recently I started chatting on msn messenger with this guy I don’t know. He is so down to earth, honest and understanding. He even told me he couldn’t come online everyday as he couldn’t really afford it. I’ve still not seen his picture but maybe I don’t need to. I’m caught up in the middle and don’t know what to do; I think I’m falling for him. Help me!

Aunty: Girl you are totally insane. You are putting a future of money and a lavish lifestyle on the line for whom? Some guy who can’t use a computer two days in a row. To top it all you haven’t even seen him. For all you know he might look like Danny Devito. Eventually both of you will starve. THEN I’ll ask you how much you want to go down the ‘earth’ for him. He has probably got the oldest version of msn. Urgh! Who needs love when you got money money money!! Silly goose.

To the girl:

Right. People like you really tick me off. To be more accurate, girls like you. You're in love with the idea of love. I guess its not your fault given all the junk bollywood and star plus are infecting you with. Listen up, chances are you are stereotyping. If the guy is rich he's probably a villain looking for a trophy wife right? He's probably spends all day in some dark office planning world conquest petting his white kitty. Wrong. Consider this. Maybe he's just shy. Rich people can be insecure too you know. Have you really talked to him? I mean like REALLY talked to him? Do you care for his opinions? Have a nice long chat, share your concerns. I'm sure he doesn't want to spend his life with a girl who doesn't want him. Breaking the engagement is not as bad as breaking a marriage. Oh, and conversely, who says the poor guy will be innocent and loyal as a puppy? Maybe he's a con artist after your money? Marriage is a big decision. Couples have big fights over the smallest of issues and money is no small issue. Lastly, THE INTERNET? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THE INTERNET?


To the matchmaker:

Please get a different job. Please. Please. PLEASE.


Dear Aunty: My brother is suffering from a dangerous form of obsession. He supports Arsenal and has never missed a match no matter what the time, place or event. He didn’t even attend our parents’ 25th anniversary dinner because he had to watch football. He takes it too seriously and so becomes edgy if his team loses. Should we be worried? Should we see some expert?

Aunty: Do me a favour and give him a good kick up his rear. Why the hell is he going through so much effort for a team that hardly made the top 10 last year. Show him some statistics. He needs to change loyalties. Tell him to try Chelsea or Man City instead (if he’s only interested in the Euro champion that is). Oh and try to be a little understanding from now on.

To the troubled sibling:

I think you need to have one of those intervention things. I've never actually had to hold one of those or be subjected to one of them so I have no idea. But hey, it's the age of google. Look it up. Also, maybe use another obsession to ween him off of this one. And you should see an expert about this. This obsession is quite unhealthy. Sports are supposed to be a healthy activity. The way he's behaving is clearly not healthy.


To the football junkie:

I think you'd be better off writing for the sports section. This is clearly not your game (pun again! Woohoo!).


Till the next post,
Talha A. B.

2 comments:

  1. Here you go... Caroline Wozniaki defeated Maria Sharapova to book a place in the Indiana Wells final. She will be fighting for the title against Marion Bartoli wh is the first french woman to reach the tiltle match of Indiana Wells.
    Well... Irrelevant.... but i had to get it oput somewhere and whie follwing the scorelines, i was reading your article... and was really laughing out loudly at the stupid advices that had been offered by that aunty....
    a very nice article Talha A. B.
    P.S: Why dont you go on to write for articles in newspapers???? You can earn alot and your problem of that disposible income will hopefully be sloved ;)

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  2. Firstly, thanks for the tennis update, now we have a topic for discussion at our next tennis game. As for the aunties, well, I guess everyone can make mistakes sometimes. I do feel that i *may* have been a bit too harsh on them. I would like them to read these responses though. It would be interesting to know what was going through their mind when they wrote such things. As for the articles for newspapers, well, that to me is a very big compliment so thanks a bunch :P But you know right now I'm dealing with "articles" of a different kind. I will try nonetheless. For now, lets just look forward to the day we both have a lot of disposable income.

    - Talha

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