Most of you must be familiar with the advice columns in the entertainment section of almost all newspapers. These advisors, mostly female hide behind pseudonyms and offer apparently unsolicited and loyal advice. Most of it seems reasonable; probably something we would say so ourselves. But what if these ‘aunties’ go haywire; misuse their power of trust and misinterpret what their ‘problem children’ are actually trying to say. Here’s a peek into how they can screw up those who are already screwed up:
Dear Aunty: My husband is my problem. He’s glued to the TV 24/7. It’s like the silly, rusty, old, big bellied telly is more attractive than I am. He doesn’t listen; he doesn't care what I say. He only gets up for bathroom breaks. It’s driving me crazy. Please help!
Aunty: Darling, I know exactly where that’s coming from. Its sad how something as small as a bathroom can create a tiff b/w two individuals so much in love. My heart swells at your concern for your husband’s entertainment. Maybe you can surprise him with a nice flat screen plasma. What’s money without love right. It’s no wonder he needs to go to the bathroom all the time. That TV is a bore. With a new hot one you can have the bathroom for hours because that guy won’t budge and he’ll adore you for the present! Talk about 2-in-1 right?
Dear Aunty: I have a cousin who visits often, usually bringing her kids in tow. They are the most rowdy bunch ever. They run around the house like wild animals with my precious cookie jar. It’s not about the cookies; it’s how they and the rest of the goodies end up in the weirdest places, half digested or thrown up! I usually go along because I don’t want to upset my cousin who’s really touchy about her spoilt brats. But now I’m having second thoughts. Please tell me how to get the message through without hurting her feelings.
Aunty: Listen up girl! Those kids are going down! Let me also add that food is important even if you don’t think so. Too many people tag along their kids so they don’t have to feed them afterwards. Listen carefully; whenever that family gatecrashes take 2 sleeping pills per kid and grind and mix them in their juice. They’ll drop like logs and don’t worry it’s not dangerous. (Try xanax; it’s the best). Or you can do another thing; press down on the side of the necks, right where the jugular vein passes. It’s an old police trick; they’ll be knocked out for 30 minutes. Pronto! One child free zone.
Dear Aunty: I’m new in town and called over a few classmates to my place to hangout and socialize. While I was away getting some snacks, my PC was running and everyone was messing around with it. Somehow they activated videoconferencing and ended up recording everything they were doing. The vision and sound wasn’t good quality but enough to let me know that it was all badmouthing and rude gestures about to me. I felt really bad. Should I confront them or simply ignore the whole thing?
Aunty: My tech consultants advise that you should get a decent webcam, maybe up to 5 mega pixels if not more. If not, check whether your resolution is on ‘high definition’. Also, your microphone might be losing it. Maybe it needs replacement or cleaning. You do both and next time you’ll get a crystal clear image and sound. I know how you feel hon; you teenage boys want the best in technology all the time. Call ‘em all another time and see the results for yourself. Good luck!
Dear Aunty: My husband and I are an average looking couple, living in a very modest way. We’re quite content with life. However, this new neighbour moved in and she came to pay a visit. I noticed how instantly she and my husband clicked. I mean she’s all young, chic and drives some sports car while my hubby is a bum with a 1988 Honda. What’s the connection? My husband has been comparing me with her all weekend. I feel very insecure. Please help me prevent a disaster!
Aunty: Girl, it’s time you put an end to those modest ways because seriously where are they taking you. Break the piggy bank and buy your hubby some decent stuff. You’re obviously not good enough for him so why try. Become the ultimate date planner. Rent a nice car; they have an hourly rate so won’t cost much. Lets prevent the disaster; the disaster that would take place if you don’t hurry. I mean things go bad he still has you right but doesn’t hurt to try! Cheers!
Dear Aunty: My farewell party is this weekend which I’m really excited about. My mom got me these clothes; they’re wonderful; all pink and yellow. Anyway sadly I failed on a test and am supposed to get it signed by my parents before the weekend. There is no way my folks would let me go after seeing that test. Tell me how to negotiate, please!!
Aunty: First of all; dump that dress. That combo is so last year. I saw your address; your place is close to this new boutique. Check that out instead. OK, about the signature: listen carefully. Get hold of your parents’ bank statement and trace that signature on a tracing paper. Next, put the tracing paper on your test paper and trace it down. A mould will appear. Shade that area with a pencil. The groove will become prominent so carefully trace that area with a pen. Wait for it to dry and then run an eraser over the whole thing to erase the pencil shading. Voila! One faked sign and one hot dress!! What will you kids do without me!
Dear Aunty: I’m currently engaged to a very rich guy my parents chose for me. He’s not bad but he doesn’t really care for my choices or opinions at all. Recently I started chatting on msn messenger with this guy I don’t know. He is so down to earth, honest and understanding. He even told me he couldn’t come online everyday as he couldn’t really afford it. I’ve still not seen his picture but maybe I don’t need to. I’m caught up in the middle and don’t know what to do; I think I’m falling for him. Help me!
Aunty: Girl you are totally insane. You are putting a future of money and a lavish lifestyle on the line for whom? Some guy who can’t use a computer two days in a row. To top it all you haven’t even seen him. For all you know he might look like Danny Devito. Eventually both of you will starve. THEN I’ll ask you how much you want to go down the ‘earth’ for him. He has probably got the oldest version of msn. Urgh! Who needs love when you got money money money!! Silly goose.
Dear Aunty: My brother is suffering from a dangerous form of obsession. He supports Arsenal and has never missed a match no matter what the time, place or event. He didn’t even attend our parents’ 25th anniversary dinner because he had to watch football. He takes it too seriously and so becomes edgy if his team loses. Should we be worried? Should we see some expert?
Aunty: Do me a favour and give him a good kick up his rear. Why the hell is he going through so much effort for a team that hardly made the top 10 last year. Show him some statistics. He needs to change loyalties. Tell him to try Chelseaor Man City instead (if he’s only interested in the Euro champion that is). Oh and try to be a little understanding from now on.
Uh, need I say more?
P.S: I think it's necessary to add that although I wrote this, this is not the type of advice I give. I give good advice. Like really good. I'm famous for that. Do NOT underestimate Sara Q's advisory service. Period! :P
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