Image via WikipediaOk first of all, I think a lot of my post titles have been based on song titles or well parts of songs. Same goes with this one. I kinda like it actually. Anyway, I was going to write something about French people, based on this movie I happened to watch recently (“Ameliè”, good movie, awesome music) but somehow this popped up.Have you ever felt that the most difficult thing to talk about in this world is......YOU and even worse, what’s going on inside of you (spare us indigestion details though :P). And that rules out vanity (ahem!). So think for a mere two minutes, how many people know you for the REAL you. How much of YOU do you put out there, for all to see, experience and even criticise. It’s weird how there are two sides to every person but they will normally only show one side. Funnily, that’s on choice. Whatever we feel is more acceptable we kind of adopt. So what’s acceptable? Who defines acceptable anyway?
Well the answer to the million dollar question is US. WE define our acceptable. It’s like this; all humans have in them ALL traits, some of them surface more often while others just hover in the background. Some just stick to the walls and might NEVER come up at all. (Just like Davy Jones’s crew in “Pirates of the Caribbean” that just became part of the ship as part of their immortal enslavement). Actually that’s what it is, enslavement. We blame the world for making us who we are or not letting us be who we want to be but the truth is, its all crap. Excuses. We need ’em. ALL THE TIME! Honestly me, you, us, we have total ability, capability and desire to go all out on a lot of stuff and maybe mellow out once in a while. What’s wrong in doing that? Why is the class clown not allowed to have a quiet day? Why can’t the quiet girl be outrageous once in a while? What’s the deal with all this stereotyping? Who says you have to behave the same way your whole life? Evolution where art thou?
Ok let me illustrate using a personal example. Some years ago, my parents went on Haj (Pilgrimage), leaving me and my younger 2 siblings with our then alive grandmother. I wasn’t really old enough to go into household micromanagement but being the eldest some worries came naturally. It was one of those days when I felt stressed and missed my folks like hell that I picked up a pen and paper and concocted a poem in less than 15 minutes. That poem was titled “loneliness”. Those who know me well know that I’ve always had a knack of sharing my creations so I took it to school the next day. BIG mistake. The whole class was spellbound, the friends were outraged and the teacher just stared. Why? Because they didn’t ‘expect’ something like THAT to come out of ME. The friends were offended at the feeling behind it though I explained it was just a spur of the moment thing and NO it did not imply that I was alone and friendless and no one loved me. Whatever the case, the general population viewed me like you view a psyche case so I tore up the poem and declared it a mistake.
Reason behind the reaction? Sara Qadeer, ENTP (“Extroverted. Intuitive. Thinking. Perceiving”; 1 of 16 personality types, find yours HERE), generally bouncy, proactive, loud, optimistic, cheerful, talkative and at times irritating individual writing a poem about being LONELY and SAD! Why? How? What I did was I showed people my other side, the side that “hovers”, that can have depth or introspection and what do you know, it got rejected. I guess it was my fault right? We all permit people to interfere one way or the other. There comes a time when THEY start defining who we are rather than the other way round.
Lately I’ve started questioning myself on how REAL everything is, how LONG it’s supposed to last and how serious that should make me. I have always been the day to day person, take it as it comes. Not the best approach but hey it saves me from headaches. It’s as if for the first time I’m trying to look at the picture ahead and the idea of THAT scares the hell out of me. I never went into deep thinking about consequences or results. I mean, I used to give the crappiest exam ever and spend the next 2 months like some gold medalist. As a person I’m not too hard on myself. Sure, you beat up yourself for this and that but no long term-ness, more of a ‘living on a whim’ routine, though now, according to worldly interpretation more of a ‘living on a prayer’ scene. You know what God says about this world being temporary I think I took that too seriously, in a way God did not intend me to take. My bad.
Lately I’m being constantly reminded that it is what we do NOW that bring about consequences. And what we are meant to do now IS a consequence in itself no? Consequences leading to more consequences. I hope that made sense.
The bitter reality is that I and maybe you live in severe denial. Denial of the evil lurking in this world, denial of the fact that you actually need to STUDY to pass, denial that things don’t always turn out the way you want them too and that every action has an equal and opposite reaction (Uncle Newton, law of motion btw). It’s as if sooner or later you and I get slapped in the face with reality. The reality I at least always avoid and siphon off.
Ok I know this is getting long but bear with me, this is the best part. It is yet again, one of Talha’s awesome discoveries on why we fluctuate; moods, preferences and what not. The thing extends from what I said about two sides to a person. There is a dominant mode that defines our persona and an “inferior” or suppressed mode that can be called the “shadow” to that persona. So we all know we really can’t get rid of a shadow; we are aware of its existence but we ignore it maybe? If I may quote the co-author “The more you deny your shadow the more it builds up, until it finally manifests into ‘burgundy’ mode”. Yes, burgundy is the colour of my ‘dark’ shadowy side. The regular side is the orange-ish red, if you’re on my facebook refer to the display picture before last :P.
I guess the key is to accept the shadow and the fact that it will never leave you the hell alone. (Ok I’m POSITIVE that one of the “Marvels” made use of such a concept once. Do tell if you know because I can’t remember). Time to time, the shadow needs to be satisfied. The shadow is the extreme opposite of the personality we move around with. So my shadow is an introvert, sensing, feeling and judging type thus it takes over at times so I can stare out in space and try to look for ‘answers’ maybe or more so evaluate self, scribble in the journal, get some stuffed baggage out from the part of the brain I ignore to ponder over and of course hog on fatty food items while I’m at it.
The thing is weirdly, people look up to me for this strange reason. They don’t always tell but I can see it. There is technically nothing extraordinary about me but they tell me I have this optimistic and positive approach to life they wish they had. They go “how do you do it?” or “I need one of your positivity lectures” or “just tell me what ever can be GOOD in what’s happening?”. Basically, I’ll always have a sunny side for some rainy day. Sometimes I ask myself if I myself think that way anymore. Maybe there’s more behind the positive exterior, whatever ounce of negativity comes I shun it away because I’m so adamant to not waive off my belief in the sunny side.
But there are times when those born under the light of the sun see some shadow of doubt. Normally waders, they try to dive. People call such moments of introspection as “phases”. But really, are they? Or are they a reflection of our biggest fear that we might have lost ourselves somewhere along the way. Is this how we started out in the first place or are we just a product of those around us, a chess piece amongst many, playing the part only to get to the other side.
Think about it. I think I might too. Hence, must find food. Until next time,
Sara (serious/philosophical) Q.
