Country for sale! Buy now while stocks last!

Image via WikipediaIn a post not too long ago I may have complained that the general price level in our fair country is getting a bit too high. In this one however, I will tell the other side of the story. After all, I'm not one to manufact propaganda and propagate the news of our country's dismal state. There are in fact many things that are quite cheap and getting even cheaper by the minute. The credit goes to, well, we'll leave that part for later. For now, lets get into all the bargains you can grab before the sale season ends.

I was always told that human life is priceless. You can't measure it. It's impossible to value it terms of anything else that God may have created. Gold, silver, diamonds and even oil. Well, that last item has some complication attached to it. Imagine that. Such a high price for this particular item that you can't even measure it. Now however, thanks to capitalism (or is it imperialism? I keep getting confused) the prices for this once expensive commodity are now greatly reduced! But you can only avail this offer in Pakistan. Just ask American tourist Raymond Davis (or is it assassin? Again, I keep getting confused) who bought two Pakistani lives for 1.4 million dollars. Thats just USD 700,000 a piece! And who knows, if you buy in bulk you'll surely get a big discount. Just Imagine, you could be the owner of your very own genocide! In fact, get creative enough and you can name it a "Pakistani" holocaust!

To top it off, America is giving us Islamiat lessons for free. How nice of them to give us that little refresher course on blood money. Wow America, I have no words to express the overflowing sentiments I feel right now. I do however have a finger that can get a minute fraction of the point across. Guess which one?

It doesn't end there. The Pakistan Tourism Development Corporation has gone to great lengths to make our beautiful country more accessible to foreigners. Why just now they started their stealth helicopter program. Thats right, If you own a stealth helicopter then you can just fly right in! No visa, no passport necessary. Hell, we'll even toss in a free Arab. If you're armed then you'll love to visit the town of Abottabad for target practice. By the way, Abottabad is not a suburb of Islamabad. It's a city itself. Way up in the mountains.

It's not just Pakistan that is making itself more accessible to foreign countries. You may all remember the Iraqi "Everyone with a false rumor gets in free" promotion. That had dramatic effects on the price of oil. Consider this, the American forces had themselves a party there, according to the Iraqi Body Count project they won the lottery, 150,726 Iraq's killed. There's no way we can compete with that. Damn you oil rich countries. Now, assuming an average of 1.9 million barrels of oil were pumped out from Iraq from 2003 to 2010 and that the average human body has 4 litres of blood the price of oil comes out 0.000124 litres of Iraqi blood per barrel! Now thats an amazing offer you just can't beat. I don't know why Americans complain about the high cost of oil, all you have to do is deposit one dead Iraqi at the nearest gas station and you walk away with 32,207 barrels of oil!

Coming back to Pakistan, people may not know this but we also have another great service. We'll stock your prisons for you! Just ask our satisfied customer, the administration of Gitmo. Before they outsourced their prisoner acquisition function to us, their prison was a desolate place. No prisoners. There were fears of takeovers, mergers and redundancies. Then, we stepped in. With competitive rates as low as a few hundred dollars for one Pakistani, we saved their prison and now it is constantly stocked, always a fresh supply of inmates ready for "enhanced interrogation". That is just one success story, contact us now to see how outsourcing to us can enhance your prison! Whats more, we'll even handle the shipping charges. Contact us at info@buyacitizen.gov.pk.

So who does all the credit go to? Well, to understand that, you've got to realize that Pakistan is a business. It's the Islamic Republic of Pakistan Limited. Once you see it that way you realize that Pakistan Ltd. is, always has been and always will be a cash cow. The owners of this company, the ruling party and the army take every possible step to ensure that it remains a profitable entity. However, no organisation can achieve its objectives without its faithful employees. It is only due to our citizens perserverance to not do anything while things go from bad to worse that we have reached the position where we are today. It is only because of us, who keep electing the same people to power over and over again. So enjoy everyone, you earned it.

Talha A. B.

Not Cricket to Picket

It can be nothing but a height of overconfidence that the initial name of this post was "Why we HAD to win". I wanted to write BEFORE the semi final (then it was "why we need to win") but was so nervous that I thought I'll get to it after we get into the finals. I'm writing post world cup now but, you know. India. Four years. This is exactly why I'm not into planning, MOM! Oh well. *Sigh*.

I have been asking around, trying to recall if it was always like this and asking parents for the times I can’t recall. Those green T shirts selling like hot jalebis (totally beats hot cakes I swear), a demand supply deficit of multimedia ensembles, totally unrecognisable faces under the green and white paint, social networking sites totally drowned in green and minute by minute reports (guilty as charged :P), people with flags and busted vocal cords on the roads, in markets and at restaurants. The biggest surprise was the preparations and celebrations of those outside the country. No one's challenging patriotism here but yes, parading streets of Toronto, London and New York with life size flags at timings as insane as 5 and 2 A.M means there was seriously something else going on this time.

We wanted this badly! We wanted this SO bad that it was almost funny. Funnier was the fact that we all totally believed that we'd get it this time even after the match-fixing trio got busted and surrounding teams were flexing muscles at our faces. Hope. We live on it. I remember saying that this was easily the ONLY thing left for us Pakistanis to look forward to since Uncle Zardari is going to be here a while, no one can stop the constant siphoning of the State's funds, the target killers are doing what they do best, America pawns us down with our own law and flies Raymond ******* ******* ****** (i permit you to use your imagination!) away and all other horrors Hamid Mir talks about. It’s funny how we are part of one tree but are totally 'branched' when it comes to beliefs, religions, modernism and of course Eid-ul-fitr. Cricket I salute you man. It’s like one of the moments in movies when the male and female leads realise they finally have something in common.

So yeah, for the past many weeks cricket became the ultimate “binder”. It was never like this before, not even when we actually WON the thing. If we’d actually won the world would have exploded, seriously. I also thought, if we LOSE the world would explode too. Imagine my pleasant disappointment. Everyone was so, I dunno….forgiving. Using text messages to ask Afridi to take back his apology, being totally content with having a “good” game and welcoming the team back with open arms. Is it me or are we severely bipolar? Don’t kill me all but I for one don’t think across those optimistic lines. I need answers. Maybe it’s because I’m not one the last minute cricket fans. Cricket has been there all along thanks to friends who used to call in sick on school days to watch matches and cousins with whom we had proper tournaments, every kid chose a “cricketer” second name and every family residence was named after a famous cricket stadium. Ours was the “Old Trafford” by the way.

I’m really not hard to please but there are some things I don’t get and I will criticise. And you know why, so it doesn’t happen again. So we all know Misbah just stood there rooted to the ground and Younis Khan’s usually spot-on fielding sucked. But I personally thing Afridi could have been more responsible than just doing one of his usual slog routines, messing up power play and giving the ball to Umar Gul when he was a clear flop that day. Don’t get me wrong, Afridi did great. He brought the whole “jazba” concept to life. He united us in a way we never imagined. The team was pretty awesome against the biggest names in cricket but it was the match of the decade that messed it all up. Let me just say, it was SO in the bag. We totally had it but we let it slip through our fingers. When THAT happens you don’t just suffice with the fact that “oh well we got to the semis. We are SO proud!”. You think “where did we go wrong, let’s find out and FIX it!”.

The thing is we are one emotional nation. And sometimes (read every time) we let our emotions get the best of us. Yes, I say best because this will be yet another compromise. This time it was OUR time. I don’t know about you guys but four years is an awful lot of time. My family knows I say “Oh I’ll be ANCIENT next World Cup” and every time the time comes I realise I’m not that ancient after all. But really next time, I’ll BE ancient. Let me say it this time around too. I have no idea how 27 year olds enjoy cricket and scream their vocal cords off. I will find out in about 4 years I guess.

Anyway, as Talha pointed out in his cricket post, let’s not just reserve the unified version of us for Cricket alone. We are in deep you-know-what and if we had hearts the size of radioactive cotton candy for bat ball (that’s what we used to call it 15 years ago) then we should not deflate just now. Why do I end up saying such stuff, this was about sports for God’s sake! I need to get meself a political following. Anyway, I just realized I’m wearing totally Indian colours and writing about Pakistan. I think I’ll go drown myself in the exotic swimming pool up front.

Until next time, IF I manage to stay afloat, (which I’m very capable off fyi),
Sara (currently emotional) Q


P.S : The post title upstairs is actually a real song title :P

Cricket, we (try to) love you

Given the recent events, there is no way that we could not make a post about cricket. I'm not going get into stats and in depth analysis. We're a cricket loving nation and we're packed from border to border with overzealous fans. Toss a cricket ball and chances are you'll end up hitting an "expert". I'm not that guy. I'm the guy who will duck just in time to dodge that ball. To summarize, at the risk of re-awakening horrible memories, Pakistan lost to India in the semis. Yes it's true. It wasn't a bad dream.

It was an interesting tournament to say the least. Not many held high hopes for team Pakistan. Understandable, given their performance since 2003. Still, if the fire didn't burn too brightly, there were still those lingering embers that just never get extinguished. The men in green defied expectations and gave a performance that fanned the sparks to bright flame once again.

For a month, everything seemed to be alright. There was no terrorism, no rotting politics, no economy going to hell. Everyone was happy, content and green with patriotism. For a month, we were all a nation. Everyones interest peaked. Thats the conundrum I suppose. When we expect nothing from our team, they'll go out and do something impossible. When we're all cheering them on, they don't do so well. Maybe next time we don't watch the tournament and just celebrate when the boys bring the cup home?

One thing that I did notice, people didn't get angry this time. Sure, there was the usual post-match depression the next day, but there was no display of rage. The reason being, that the team didn't really do anything wrong this time. After a long time, they seem to be back on track. A team that everyone wrote off in the qualifiers made it to the semis. No one can say that this time they lost due to lack of trying. There was no ugly controversy this time and no coach fatalities. It was all about cricket.

We could have all used a win. Like a pain killer, it would have numbed the effects of everything going on around us. Perhaps this is a positive result of the defeat. It will be easier to get back to dealing with the problems at home. All our battles lie not on a cricket pitch and Jazba does not just belong in Mohali.

Talha A. B.

Disposable income, where art thou?

As I stepped out today, the air seemed different. It wasn't the same biting cold that it had been for the past wintery months. It was laced with a healthy yellow glow from the shining sun. The sky was just the right shade of light blue. The weather had changed. That was enough to remind me of all the things that have been changing recently. Life is at a peculiar stage right now, like a desert engulfed in a sandstorm everything is shifting and changing and what lies ahead is not so clear. I'll tell you one other thing thats changing. The damn prices.

Inflation is biting away at everyones heels right now and if our wallets were girls then they would be ecstatic because they are slimming down fast. I can't count the number of times me and my friends have walked into a nice looking establishment, sat down, looked at the prices and then had a brainstorming session on how to walk out without making our financial situation apparent to anyone. Usually it involves "I dunno, nothing on the menu strikes me as interesting, we'll be back in five minutes". Oh yeah, we've done that. Don't you dare judge me..... and stop giving me that look. A lesson to the uninitiated, walk in, ask for the menu, do not under any circumstance sit down, if the prices seem manageable given the funds at hand park your behind on the nearest table, else use the "5 minute" line mentioned above, remember to thank TAB later.

So while me and a friend (henceforth, Adeel) were discussing the trials and tribulations of the life of a trainee at work it was inevitable that the topic of our pay package (don't ask) and the prices today would come up. An idea hit us, both of us having studied economics vaguely remembered that time when we were half awake in class and managed to hear the teacher say "blah blah blah consumer price index blah blah blah inflation". For those who might not know about what the consumer price index (CPI) is, I'll try to wrap it up in a single line. A CPI is a list on which the prices of various items are listed and tracked over time to get an idea of the prevailing rate of inflation in the country. If you're the Sherlock Holmes type and thats not enough for you then you can always do this or this. Back on point; me and Adeel remembered consumer price index and decided to make our own little index, the Student Price Index.

And now the curious wonder what the Student Price Index is? Well, the Student Price Index (henceforth, the SPI) is a list on which items vital to the student/trainee are listed and their prices are tracked over time to get an idea of the prevailing rate of inflation the student/trainee must endure in his academic life. Driven to help students everywhere, we set out to create the SPI that as of yet existed only in our heads. After hours of interviews, calculations and research, the SPI was turned into reality. The fruits of our labour are shown below.

So there you go. Now you know what you're up against. Time to go to parliament and start a discussion on what to do about this grave issue. To explain a bit on whats going on above, the items selected are those that the student finds themselves dealing out cash for the most. The year 2010 is selected as the base year because well, no one remembered how much a roll paratha cost back in 2000 (Rs. 45, FYI). The prices of the same items in the year 2011 are listed as well and the change over one year is calculated to arrive at the figure for inflation. But it doesn't stop there. The items are also given a weightage according to how important they are. To explain the concept of weightage, items that are considered closer to being necessities get a high weightage. Luxury items get a low weightage. Why is this done? Well, a 50% increase in the price of a Bentley may not have everyone reconsidering sending their child to college but a 50% increase in the price of wheat is a surefire way to start a revolution in the country. The result of this economics lesson is that the inflation rate comes out to 27%. Fun fact, that actually is the inflation rate of our country at the moment (so you know we did a good job :D). However, after weighting, for us students the inflation rate is somewhat closer to 20%.

The SPI is something that just started out as a joke and the list is in no way complete. But it was a fun exercise and I'm actually interested making it into a proper index so I would love feedback on the matter. For one, having a full and proper list of items that students and trainees spend their money on is important. Second, this is actually the work of two guys, so the list doesn't take into account items that the girls would normally spend on. You can leave a comment or make a post on the forum (highly recommended).

The updated version of the SPI can always be found here. For now, tis time to wrap up this post and return to dreaming of that big paycheck that I'll hopefully be collecting someday.

Talha A. B.

Green gone black

 

Long time no see followers. We’ve just been REALLY busy. A lot of significant and insignificant things have taken place since I last posted something here. As far as the national level is concerned though, most of what’s happening nowadays is not only significant but significantly horrifying too.

 It probably started with the Air Blue plane crash. That one came with a personal connection too. Like my equally busy co-author said; there were 150 people on that plane but somehow all of the 18 million were connected to someone on that plane, directly or indirectly. Of course the devastating flood was already doing what it does best somewhere in the background. And then it came onto the big screen. More than half of the country got affected by the flood. The loss of human lives is another thing but the survival of the remaining is more than just a toll on the unaffected.

 Here we all were worrying about the water when some people thought of adding some fire to the pot. I’m talking repeated bomb blasts, firings and target killings. The fact that a totally disinterested and innocent pedestrian can be made a target just for the heck of it just scares the hell out of me. As if that wasn’t enough a mob killed two kids with their bare hands in the midst of onlookers and policemen somewhere in Sialkot.

 Add in the total drainage of State reserves, glutinous corrupt politicians playing blame games all the time, Cricketing scandals, skyrocketing prices, diplomatic dirt with God knows how many countries, the US of A making us lick their boots and oh yeah we even got a 6.3 shaker a few weeks ago to shake off what’s left of us. Yes, my dear Pakistanis, we are officially screwed. In fact we are SO screwed that it might eradicate my inability to swear. And yeah, that’s saying something.

 But guess what nothing up there is new, nothing you and I don’t know about already. So yeah, let’s look through the other end of the periscope for a change. Let’s stop saying that Zardari will rot in hell or Imran Khan will be our savior or who’s corrupt and who’s here with a fake degree. Let’s talk about Pakistan, the people/ citizens for a change. Are WE doing our bit too or just sitting around like spoilt kids waiting to be spoon-fed. I know you guys don’t want to hear this but it’s all us. We no longer deserve anything. Now at this exact point people usually say “Why would God do this to us, we’re the best Muslim country in the world. Look at blah and blah, look at what they wear” etc etc. The thing is it’s not about being a good Muslim anymore. Hell, I hardly think anyone knows what a good original Muslim is supposed to look and feel like. People all over this world are not screwed, Muslims or not. WE NEED TO BE GOOD PEOPLE, PEOPLE. Honestly, we do that and we’ll actually become good Muslims.

 So what am I talking about? I’m talking how wildly animalistic we’ve all become. Ready to snatch and steal everything thinking it’s our right. What do you think was going through the mind of those ruthless men while they were beating those boys to death? It’s a frustration we carry with us at all time, ready to not just beat but actually eat the pulp out of anyone we can find. That mob was not just a mob; it represented US, Pakistanis who have severely slipped down to the down most rung of the human race ladder.

 Think about it, these days people will rip off, lie, cheat, steal or even murder someone on a good day. For those of you who think this is a bit too much read on for day to day ventures; people will keep polluting a place because they think one wrapper doesn’t make a difference, talk back rudely to some shopkeeper, not give way on the fast lane and when they do it’ll come with a complementary hand action and colorful vocabulary, waste resources and power knowing they are scarce, call a woman ‘baji’ and as soon as her back turns give her a nice MRI, honk rudely on the roads without rhyme or reason, try to sell off expired goods, arrive late at meetings and on weddings because ‘that’s how it is’, break into queues, carry out full fledge 'phaddas' over the most immature reasons possible, bully anyone who classifies as a subordinate, even make up dirty rumours etc. etc. And even without these everyday happenings the average Pakistani has become this combination of aggression, jealousy and impatience and when they see someone who's not, a big conversion is underway for the poor soul. Its the "If my life sucks so should yours" routine.

The thing is two wrongs don’t make a right. Oh God teach this concept to this country, please! (Yeah that includes me too. NONE of us are bathed in milk at the moment :P). When one person is in the wrong it makes him a total loser not an excuse or justification for us to repeat that. So the plan is as simple as my name; if ALL of us do what we’re supposed to and do it right we are SO out of this. That includes everyone, from some high profile CEO to an office janitor.

But you know what the real problem is? We just don’t CARE anymore. See, people mix up love and care. We all say we love the country but we don’t CARE about it. BIG difference ma dears. It’s like any relationship actually; we need to contribute into it or we’re in for a big time break-up very, VERY soon! This is one relationship we need to start fixing, like NOW!

 

Think about it. Until next time and hoping it comes soon,

Sara Q.

 

The blessings on my table

We all love our country more than any other country in the world. It's what makes us who we are. Pakistani. It is the womb that gave birth to us and it is the soil to which we will return. Just like how we somehow feel the pain of a loved one, seeing our motherland bleed causes us great pain. Once again, our country has suffered a horrifying blow and the price was the blood and lives of its sons. You know the event that I refer to. It is the terror attacks that occurred in Lahore.

These days it seems that the mood in Pakistan keeps getting more and more gloomy. Even our national cricket and hockey teams seem very depressed. The poor guys feel so down that they haven't been able to perform at peak levels recently and as a result have suffered many (very humiliating) defeats. It seems we Pakistani's just can't get a lucky break these days.

Everything seems to working against us, in an almost conspiracy like manner.

As a nation, we are all suffering from depression. So whats the most basic strategy to counter this? Well, like I've been told many times by a countless number of people, the trick is to look at the positive side of things. Like they say, Always look on the bright side of life. That is what this weeks post is about, looking at all that is great about this country, aside from the fact that me and Sara Q. were born here. Here we go:

1. This one is a no brainer. Freedom. We were born free. Now I know that given the conditions of the country we're not as free as we'd like to think, but thats our fault, we let things get like this.
2. We are not a nation of quitters. We are a resilient nation. Obsession with a cause is what gave us the country and this obsession is what allows us to keep it. We've been hanging on by a thread since 1947 and no amount of predator missiles will make us let go.
3. Our nation is overflowing with talent and potential. How many times have our kids gotten out of this world results in A-Levels? We won the cricket world cup and countless other tournaments on pure talent without the presence of any formal sports coaching facilities. Same for hockey. The day we tap into our potential will be the the day we take over the world.
4. We have an amazing cricket team and hockey team. Sure, they're going through a rough patch right now, but we all know once they get rolling they'll knock down any opponent they're up against.
5. Whats the one thing that any Pakistani returning from foreign lands crave? You know this, stop reading for five seconds and try to guess this. Chances are you'll need less than three. The answer is, mangoes. We've got all four seasons and each season brings with its own tasty produce.
6. We are a nation blessed with beauty. Beautiful people surrounded by beautiful scenery. Whether its valleys surrounded by mountains blanketed in white and green or rolling plains with rivers carving through or historical locations with a million stories to tell, we've got it all.
7. Our armed forces are top notch. They've got the training, they've got the tech and most importantly, they've got a dedication to protect this country that no other soldier in the world possesses.

This is not really the whole list. It's only a small fragment of it. But, I'd love to complete it or at least make it really long so comment like crazy with your reasons that make you say Pakistan Zindabad.

Till the next post,

Talha A. B.